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The Big Picture

How to Make a Monster

Maybe it's  because Halloween is almost upon us that I have monsters on my mind.  Perhaps you have seen one in the grocery store, the mall, or  (as we all have occasionally) lurking about in your own home.  

Whether you have one or ten kids, parenting is exhausting.  It is a full time job about which you must be relentless.  But in case you're feeling too weary for the task, here is my recipe for creating your own little monster. 

Homemade Monster

  • One heaping tablespoon (each) of sighs, cries and rolling of eyes
  • Regular giant servings of every electronic gadget. For best results, add well before high school.
  • Frequent dashes of disrespect in the form of "none ya', 'whatever' and 'duh'
  • Serve the above with generous helpings of only what is desired at every mealtime.

Whip in  a steady flow of popular culture--uncensored and unsupervised. Sprinkle in rudeness with pinches of bad sportsmanship and/or bad manners.

Serving Suggestion:  The following ingredients are optional but should be omitted for reaching maximum monster capacity. Follow instructions below: 

  • affordability: stream in a steady flow of cash
  • accountability: never inspect what you expect
  • reliability: require that no task be completed
  • time: equal substitution: 1 hour time = 1 new toy/gadget

Simmer for 18 years (or longer) at an even, steady temperature to prevent any and all discomfort.  

Serving size: One Monster (but don't worry, you will get your fill). 

After Halloween is over, most monsters will disappear.  Follow this fool proof recipe, however, and you will have enough monster to last a lifetime.  

"If a child is corrected, he becomes wise.   But a child left to himself brings shame to his mother."  
                                                --Proverbs 29:15 (NIRV)

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